THE FILM ANGELS & DEMONS KILLING PEOPLE?

Recently, Tim and I watched the film Angels and Demons, a conspiracy movie revolving around the Vatican, anti-matter, and pure boredom. The only REAL conspiracy here is the time wasted watching it and the lives that are being lost each day because of this movie. How are lives being lost? Here is the break down.

Angels and Demons runs two and a half hours. It brought in $48 million dollars in its first weekend. The average movie ticket costs ten dollars. Ten divided into 48 million is 4.8 million. 4.8 million poor souls viewed A&D for 2.5 hours. 4.8 million times 2.5 equals 12,000,000 hours, which equals 500,000 days, which equals roughly 1,370 years. Now lets say the average life span of an American is 65 years. 1,370 divided by 65 is 21. 21 peoples lives where lost in it’s opening weekend. This mass murder or as the REAL Illuminatti call it, “Movie Boreding”. (Boreding finds it’s roots in the Latin word, Bored) is killing many innocent Christian Americans.

We have heard people say that they are “Bored to Death”, now it’s really happening. A&D is proving to be more deadly than the swine flu and should be quarantined from future viewing. Tim, myself, and several high ranking Christian officials are in urgent talks with the Jew Elders of Hollywood to stop this movie from causing more deaths. The Jew Elders are giving us a fight because their judgment has become clouded by profits and greed. We can’t blame them, for there is something in their DNA that disorients them when they are around, talking about, or thinking about, money.

We are not calling for a boycott of this movie, but a quarantine of every deadly film canister that has spread throughout this country and soon, the world. We need to study the film so we can cut and splice it’s genetic sequence to figure out a cure to reverse it’s deadly effects and create a healing vaccine.

Our Christian scientists have found 45 minutes of film that could have been cut out. They theorize that these 45 minutes are the most potently boring strain of “filmitis” and once removed, may make the movie barely viewable. Still, our scientists recommend we stay as far away from this movie as possible even with revisions. It’s also being suggested that one should not even talk about the movie to other people out of fear of possibly being bored to death by a reenactment of the film.

Please spread the word to your friends and loved ones to avoid any contact with this strain of “filmitis”. We have to fight for our lives and pray that a directors cut is never released, because it could lead to a mass extinction of our species. May God have mercy on our souls.

May 20, 2009 | Categories: GOD'S WORDS | 2 Comments »

GOD IS CHRISTIAN

I’m getting sick and tired of all these wanna-be religions trying to claim God as their own. You know who you are. Muslims, Jews, Mormons, etc, have tried to co-op God for their own benefit and it’s not going to work!

God is Christian for crying out loud! Why the hell would He want us to create other religions that at best could only fake worship Him? The Torah? A joke. The Koran. A joke. The Mormon Bible. Ha! God laughs at you through us.

God sent His son down here to die for Christians. Christians were on the brink of extinction before Jesus came and sacrificed Himself to revamp OUR religion. That’s why He’s our savior. He saved Christianity from dying out like a fad. Now Christianity is unstoppable and that’s why America is unstoppable.

Other religions are just jealous and want someone to die for them, but guess what? It ain’t gonna happen. God is Christian, Jesus is Christian, and the Rapture Right are Christian so convert from your false religions and discover what real faith is like.

Christianity is what created the universe. Every star, every sun, and every light in the night sky is Christian. So get it straight fakers! God is Christian so you better get your act together and start praising Him and not “Allah” or “Yahweh”  because they’re just second rate B.S. wanna-be posers!

Humble Blessings, Trevor.

God is Christian, dump your fake religion!

Mar 24, 2009 | Categories: GOD'S WORDS | 4 Comments »

PROOF THAT ATHEISM CAUSED THE RECESSION

First of all, our prayers go out to each and every American Christian who is suffering right now, because of this atheist caused recession. If you’ve lost your job cause you trusted your company leaders to make wise decisions pertaining to your future or if you put all your eggs in one basket or if you got into debt cause you deserve to have new things, then we truly feel for you.

We are in production on a brand new video series entitled “Richard Dawkins and the atheist caused recession”.

Part 1 looks in detail at the atheist belief, that we humans are all just mortal beings here on planet earth, driven by creature comforts and fornication and that the pursuit of material possessions is the only true meaning in life.

We dive straight down into the belly of the sea of controversy surrounding Richard Dawkins and the rumors of a hidden secret atheist church, that he runs. We’ll tackle the implications that Richard Dawkins communicates in code through his many books and that these messages tell his followers to buy as much stuff as they can and to treat themselves to luxuries, even if they can’t afford to.

And if that isn’t enough, we’ll sail right into the whirlwind of opinions, that Richard Dawkins indeed planned this recession, to break the will of American Christians and to convert them to his atheistical life beliefs.

You got another thing coming Dick Dawkins, cause this Christian nation is stronger and smarterer than you! And we’ll destroy your recession just like we destroyed the Nazis in WW2.

New series premiers Wednesday, April 1st at 8pm right here at www.theraptureright.com

Feb 14, 2009 | Categories: GOD'S WORDS | 16 Comments »

A Prescription for Damnation

Let’s get one thing straight right off the bat.

To take medication of any kind, is to have no trust in God and to question his ultimate plan.

We have a young youth group member, Tommy P. (cause there are two Toms in our class) and he has type 2 diabetes. He’s had it for about three years and got it because he and his family, although good Christians, eat very badly and are overweight. Gluttony as we all know is one of the 7 deadly sins and if I can say so, it’s the most disgusting one of all.

Who wants to see big fat, obese monsters, stuffing their faces and lumbering around on display for all of us normal fit people to be sickened by? I for one do not and I know my brother Trevor does not like fat people either.

God said “I give unto you thy body as your own, for ye shall do unto it no harm and for it shall be of firmness and svelteness and it shall literally embody your soul within it”. Nezariah chapter 9 verse 11

What God is saying is that you should not be a giant fat monster and if you do become a bloated blob because you can’t stop shoving sugar and salt into your huge sweaty mouth, then God will make you pay.

Type 2 diabetes is punishment for eating too many sweets and this is exactly what we told Tommy P. at today’s youth group class. We also told him that if he wants to get better and also prevent burning in Hell for eternity, then he should stop taking his type 2 diabetes medication right now! God will see that Tommy has redeemed himself and allowed God’s plan to go forward, and God will show mercy on Tommy by either curing him or bringing him home.

Here’s the truth, nowhere in the Bible does it say take medication. In fact it says quite the opposite. Jesus was able to heal people, not using anti-coagulants or radiation. No, Jesus used his healing hands. He laid his hands upon the blind and sick and through him God granted these people continued life living. A gift unto us and one that we’ve thrown back in the face of our creator by sucking up medications anytime one of us gets a tumor.

We want to put a stop to ALL medication use. If you are Christian you must obey what the Bible says. God has granted all of us “healing hand” abilities. Why do you think massage parlors are so popular among the devoutly religious? Most Christians know that a good massage or warm touch can heal everything from herpes to hay-fever. And it’s sad that this practice is frowned upon nowadays, when Jesus himself was the first masseuse messiah. And it’s even sadder that we are forced to sneak around and lie, just so we can get these healing massages without being mentally stoned to death by our spouses, friends and the local community.

Think about it, if you have an inflamed prostate, wouldn’t a deep, penetrating prostate massage feel better and be more Christian than taking meds? If you’re a lady and you find a lump in your breast, shouldn’t you find someone to put a warm, firm squeeze on the affected area, rather than under go a satanic cancer screening?

If God wants you to come home to him and you trust God with all of your heart, then why are you sidetracking his plans? Obviously you don’t believe that God can heal you and if you don’t believe that, then you don’t believe in God.

This is why Tommy P. is on the right track to cleansing his body of these evil medications and to opening his heart to the fate God has given him. Pretty soon Tommy will be healthy and fit, running around singing “I ate and ate and changed my fate, but God forgives cause God is great!”.

Now that’s a catchy tune I wouldn’t mind getting sick from!

Jan 18, 2009 | Categories: GOD'S WORDS | 6 Comments »

ORAL SEX = TICKET TO HELL!

As all of you know, Trevor and I run a very successful youth Christian awareness group. We meet with our 47 member group team, three times a week on Wednesday, Friday and of course Sunday. In addition to these meetings we also make special “house trip” calls to members in distress.

This past Thursday we had one of these visits.

Tricia Blackwell is a 17 year old group member. She is a quiet girl and she is a very talented painter. But she has been dating a non-Christian boy from West Lake High and recently his “non-Christianess” got the best of him, and he forced her to engage in a very violent sexual act. The police were called by a friend of Tricia’s after she showed up at their home crying and bleeding from the face.

We were contacted by her parents after they got home from the hospital and were asked to pay her a visit to help with the recovery process. She is very shaken up over this event. Police do have Travis in custody and because he is 19 he will be in jail for awhile.

We showed up at Tricia’s house around 6:45 Thursday night. The Blackwell’s were going to go out Christmas shopping, so we would have some one-on-one time with Tricia.

Trevor asked her the most important question right out of the gate, as he is very honest and quite open about these things.

“What did you do to provoke this?” asked Trevor.

Tricia did not answer right away, I think she was taken back by our bluntness. But we are Christian youth counselor members and we have a right to ask the tough questions, especially of our youth team group members.

She said that her and Travis had gone out driving around to look a Christmas light displays in their neighborhood. They drove around for awhile and then parked and began to make-out? Kissing is allowed as long as the group youth members are 13 years old or older and have no history of mouth sores or gum disease issues. Kissing non-Christians though is not allowed and Tricia knew she was breaking our youth team pact.

Pact #67- “no kissing, hand holding or communicating flirtatiously with non-Christians”.

We have over 260 pacts, which each member must abide by at all times. Failure to do so will result in banishment from youth team fun trips or worse.

Tricia said that Travis was getting aggressive and kept asking to see her with her top off. She said she let him (which is another broken pact agreement, pact #113) but he did not stop there. She said he forced her hand onto his private sexual part and violently forced her to put pressure on it. Then came the big one. He told her that he loved her, and told her that they were old enough to engage in oral sex play (pact #23).

She resisted at first, but she said he was holding her hands and would not let her free. She said he slipped his jeans down and forced her head and face onto his sexual part. He made her open her mouth and accept his sexual part. She said she gagged and cried but he just kept holding her there until he had finished up.

Trevor and I were disgusted and appalled by what we had just heard. It was 6:53pm and we had heard enough.

This, we told her, is what non-Christians do every day and why we warn our youth kids about speaking with or looking at, non-Christians. She asked if God would forgive her for making these mistakes and what she could do to repent.

Here is where things got real difficult.

God is very clear about oral sex…

(1 Th 4:3-7 NIV) “It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality;The Lord will punish men and women for all such sins, as we have already told you and warned you.”

At 6:56pm we let Tricia know that she had committed a very serious sin not to mention she broke like 5 of our youth team Christian member group pacts. Even though she did not do so willingly, she was not married at the time nor did she stop the act from going forward. Just like when God gives a mother the strength to lift a car off her child who was just violently run over. So to does he give the strength to women to avoid rape. But they must initiate the resisting and then God will grant them temporary ultra-strength powers to stop the violator.

Tricia did none of these things and so she will be going to Hell. We also removed her from our youth Christian awareness team group and notified our Church pastor that the Blackwell family had been darkened by this event that Tricia was involved in and that their Church member status should be reviewed.

Please, if you are NOT married and you get involved in a sexual situation that is avoidable and you do nothing to stop it, you are committing a grave sin against our Lord. Oral Sex = Ticket to Hell, now swallow that one down!

Timothy.

Dec 13, 2008 | Categories: GOD'S WORDS | 18 Comments »

IMAGINE NO JOHN LENNON

Recently I, (Trevor) came upon a song called “Imagine”. It’s one of those songs that tries to have a retro feel and message but comes up short like most songs now-a-days. In it, this guy John Lennon sings about how there should be “no religion”, and no this and no that. In fact, I saw some cell phone footage on Youtube of him saying that he was, “better than Jesus”. Basically, he sings about hating Christians to make a cheap buck.

Well the buck stops here. Stop it John Lennon. You know who you are. Without God, you would never be able to write songs. In fact you wouldn’t even be alive if it weren’t for OUR creator, God. So why don’t you show some respect and write a song of thanks for being alive and breathing. Until you do, I refuse to buy any of your music. Maybe once your pocket starts suffering you’ll see the light. But right now the darkness of money blinds you.

Do us all a favor and get a life Mr. Lennon. Start writing some real songs and maybe I’ll start really listening. Also, try for a more modern sound and stop trying to emulate the past like everyone else is doing today. Kids want the beats and the message (the message of Christ’s sacrifice), you should know this after all the protests against your anti-Christian behavior. Until you do this, you and your music are dead to me.

God Bless

Trevor.

Oct 20, 2008 | Categories: GOD'S WORDS | 16 Comments »

JESUS WAS GAY

This is probably the most difficult blog we have ever written. It pains me and Trevor deep in our hearts to have to type these words. And i completely understand how hard this realization is going to be, for all of the faithful Christians worldwide who are reading these typed words.

But our years of research and new discoveries have led us to one conclusion. And it isn’t an easy one to swallow.

Let us start with our research and go from there.

As most of you die-hard Rapture Right fans know, Trevor and myself hold the shared world record for the most times reading the Bible in a 24 hour period. 13 was the previous record, held by Lance Sterling of Quebec Canada, until we smashed it to shreds and bits, when we each read completely the New testament, 26 times in one sitting.

On my 17th time reading the Bible, during that competition, i started to notice something odd. Firstly there is a huge chunk of Jesus’ life that is missing from the Bible. Almost 18 years of his life we know nothing about. What was he doing during this missing 18 years? Why didn’t anyone ever write about this and more importantly why didn’t Jesus himself tell us where he had been?

Then it started to become clear, although the clarity was brief and was soon replaced by a dark cloud of shame.

Jesus never had a girlfriend nor was he ever married. The speculation as to his marriage to Mary Magdalene is just that, speculation. And here is a guy who was incredibly popular, he was like a rock star of his time. He should have had women all around him, willing to do anything to get a piece of the Lord. And although he was only half human, his human half would have had human urges. One of those would have been to mate.

Then we have these more disturbing facts.

Jesus spent the majority of his time around men. Deep in the desert, hot and filthy living like a rock star, surrounded by men in dresses. We all know what happens to men when they are forced to spend long periods of time with other men. In fact a new report on homosexuality in organized sports says that over 56 percent of men who spend 4 hours or more a week playing sports with other men, have a 89 percent higher chance of engaging in homo-erotic relations, with those same men.

Jesus would have had a HUGE amount of gay pressure on him. Couple this with the fact that he didn’t want to talk about his past (the missing 18 years) and that he had no girlfriend or wife, and we can come to only one conclusion.

Jesus was in fact a homo-gay.

Ok, lets take a break. I know and Trevor knows, just how you are feeling right now. We had this same feeling when we put all the facts together. Jesus never talked about gays, he never said it was wrong. He never stood up on hill anywhere and shouted “thou shalt not lay with another man, if you are indeed a man as well, nor should you lay with a woman if you are also a woman, unless your husband demands it and then you shall obey his request”.

In fact what he probably shouted from the hill was “Come all thy followers of me, bow down before me and let me sing for you and let me braid your curly locks of man hair, for i am your man of men, king of kings!”. I am paraphrasing of course.

We Christians do NOT have to accept homo-gays and their wicked lifestyles. It is written in the Old testament that gays are bad and we don’t have to like em. And although the New Testament completely cancels out the Old Testament, we here at The Rapture Right Ministries say “NO, we shall not let this logic poison our well of faith, we shall love Jesus but we shall not approve of his lifestyle choice”.

We also strongly suggest that everyone paint clothes on your Jesus’ if you have a picture of him on the cross anywhere in your house. Kneeling down in front of a half naked gay man and praying for him to “touch you”, will be even more difficult than accepting that…… Jesus was gay.

Oct 11, 2008 | Categories: GOD'S WORDS | 25 Comments »

My Field Trip to a Mexican Worship Service.

Today I (Trevor) attended a church service in a predominately Mexican neighborhood. I did this because our Pastor Rick, spoke to us about expanding our horizons to learn more about Christianity, especially poorer forms of it.  What an hour of service it was!

It was quite different than the service I’m used to. There were fold out chairs, fold out tables, a cheap microphone that had been taped together, one small amplifier for the Pastor Juan, no air-conditioning, no stain glass windows, and the ceiling was extremely low compared to the raised ceilings I’ve been accustomed to.

The chairs were not terraced so as to see above the person seated in front of me, no multimedia touch screen for the Pastor to use, no live Christian band, no lights that changed to the mood of the sermon, it wasn’t in English (it was in Spanish, which I was told is the English of Mexico).  There was some food with  degrading names such as Whorechata (a rice milk mixed with Cinnamon) and yellow bread called Bimbo bread. I don’t know why the foods of Mexico are named after female slur words, but I assume the culture has its reasons and I’m sure their true meaning is lost in translation.

Picture I took of Mexican God Worship Service

Though the amenities of everyday worship were not available, I still managed to get through the service without becoming completely depressed and bored. I wondered why these people had been financially ignored by God. Why can’t they have real worship services like the Rapture Right Ministries? Is it because they are not made in the same image as God? Is it because they serve foods with offensive names? Is it because they don’t pray hard enough? I really can’t speak for God, but I’m positive there’s a reason.

I asked Pastor Juan why the “church” (a building that during the week is a furniture wholesale warehouse) was so downtrodden, and why they didn’t have all the required technology to perform a real service worthy of God. He said that they prayed, but not for those kind of things. They prayed for spiritual gifts not earthly ones.

This shocked me because I pray for both. I told Pastor Juan to pray for the technology to make his worship service more worthy of God, but he said again “it doesn’t work that way”. “We don’t have the money to buy the things you have”, as he pointed to my Ministries Hummer H3.

Anyhow, as I was talking to Pastor Juan, people at the service were calling me a “Marycon”. I understood the Mary part (Virgin Mary), but not the “con” part. I found out later that “con” means “with” in Spanish! I am “with Mary”! They must have really liked me and my suggestions because saying I am “with the Virgin Mary” is a huge compliment and I bless them all for their kindness and I forgive them for the low-tech D.I.Y. worship service they held for God.

So, I am proud to say that I made some new, albeit poorer, Christian friends today and was deemed a “Marycon” many times over for my unrelenting service to God. I hope to be the best “Marycon” or “with Virgin Mary” for the rest of my life.

Trevor.

Oct 05, 2008 | Categories: GOD'S WORDS | 12 Comments »

PROOF THAT JESUS WAS AND IS WHITE.

Have you ever looked at a picture or painting of a black Jesus and thought to yourself, “This just doesn’t feel right?” You ask yourself, “Is the painter joking? Is he making fun of Jesus?” The answer is yes, the artist is being sarcastic and that artist is surely burning in hell’s fire as I type this.

Jesus was white. Yes, He was born in the Middle East, but His father was not Middle Eastern, He was God. God is NOT Middle Eastern. When was the last time you saw a painting of God with a Turban wrapped around His head? Never? Exactly.

God is white. God has always been white. Every depiction, every description and every painting I have seen of God has been white. God impregnated Mary, NOT Joseph. Therefor, Jesus is white. That is what drew people to Him in the first place. A white skinned man in the Middle East 2000 years ago was surely a miracle and Jesus was and is a miracle worker.

Now look at Heaven. Heaven is mostly made of feathery white clouds with rays of light shooting through them, which according to most Christians I know, would make the inhabitants white. Also, white is amazingly proficient at reflecting light, which is very important when living in Heaven because it’s much closer to the sun than living on the Earth. This white skin prevents you from getting cancer in Heaven and I’m sure stops many other diseases in their tracks.

So, next time you start babbling on about how, “Jesus was Middle Eastern and couldn’t have been white”, save yourself the embarrassment and look at the Facts!

God Bless.

Oct 01, 2008 | Categories: GOD'S WORDS | 70 Comments »

MARRED BY MAHER - The boycott of Religulous

As most of you know, The Rapture Right has officially begun its boycott against the anti-Christian film movie “Religulous”.

This means that our ministry is currently at a heightened stage 9 alert awareness. We are focusing all of our efforts on getting this film banned, and due to this, we have left ourselves vulnerable to attack. Under normal Christian conditions, we are able to mount successful counter-attacks on leftist secular groups, that call us names and say we’re “totally whacked out of your minds”.

But because our resources are devoted to getting Bill Maher’s Devil movie banned, we are unable to respond to the naysayers.

This is why we need your help!

Rapture Right fans, if you’re reading this (which we know you are) please get out your Rapture Right Decoder Cross (as pictured below) and prepare to decode a secret Rapture Right message. If you don’t have a Decoder Cross, simply exit out of this website and go to paypal.com. Our paypal account name is RAPTURE1 and donate $100. We will send you a Decoder Cross asap.

Rapture Right Army, get ready to decode!

The following is a coded message for Rapture Right Army Members only:

Debbie told Suzie about Greg’s massive scar. Suzie came to the dance wearing a hat made of coupons. Teresa is an illegal, her family makes “tacos” for breakfast. Greg’s daddy drinks, Debbie had an abortion.

Once you’ve decoded the message, do exactly what it says. Remember, this film is evil, but so are the people who call The Rapture Right “retarded”. We’ll take care of Maher, you guys cover us!

More to come!

Including

Q & A with The Rapture Rights very own female companion, Darcy!

and next week…

Can Bill Maher be sued for making Religulous? We’ll find out from one the 5 lawyers we have meetings with.

Sep 12, 2008 | Categories: GOD'S WORDS | 54 Comments »

THE NEW BLACK

I think i can speak for every Christian out there when i say “When will racism end?!”.

It’s just getting to the point now, where i think it will only go away after the Rapture. Jesus will return and take all of the Christians home, leaving in his wake a world without hope. It’s a world without hope because the only ones left will be Atheists and racists!

Here’s one way we can deal with racism while we wait for Jesus.

Racism is all about skin color (as far as i can gather, i’m not racist). Why does it matter if a person has dark skin or light skin? The only thing that really matters is if the person is a Christian and loves Jesus and God with all of their being. Even if that being is covered in dirty dark skin. Jesus can cleanse the dirtiest of the darks and because of this we propose a two step program for ridding the world of racism.

Step One- Get em some Jesus!

Most darks or colored up skinned people reside in third world countries. In these drab and dreary lands, there is little food, little clean water and hardly any Christianity. Oh we Christians have tried to spread the word of salvation across our globe, but due to a lack of funding we have saved very few of these poor, filthy, diseased dark-skins.

So here’s what we do! We ask the Government to fund an international program, run by the Church, which will help get these people some water and stuff. When we get over to these third world countries, we only help the people after they have had a Bible study lesson. This way they get Jesus and a warm meal (nothing feels better in my tummy then soup and salvation!).

After we have given them the food they will be very grateful and they will learn quickly that Bible=Bread (much in the same a dog can be trained to fetch the morning paper in exchange for a jerky treat). Once they have this down, we’re halfway to ridding the world of racism for good!

Step Two- The Cleanse

Now that the people understand that Jesus died for them so they could have soup and bread and peanut-butter cookies, we can stop focusing on cleansing their souls and get to cleansing that dirty, racism inducing skin they got.

In these third world waste lands, there is nothing to really do. They don’t have functioning economies, they don’t have cool sports like football and golf and their idea of entertainment is drumming and chanting (can anyone say hippie alert?). All they really do well is multiply. They have children much in the same way goats defecate, leaving piles of stinky brown little pellets all over the place.

But now that they have found Jesus, we have to start baptizing these smelly little rug rats. As everyone knows a baptism is when someone is dipped in water by a priest or pastor, while a prayer is said cleansing them of their sins and transgressions. Well, think about this….if you add a little bleach (maybe a lot of bleach) into the water before baptizing these little squirts, you will lighten their skin while lighting up their hearts. Before long you’ll have third world countries that will be teaming with whites. And guess what you won’t have when that happens?….Racism!

If everyone is the same color, what can you be racist about?

These “bleach-isms” will be done respectfully and safely, so as not to harm our important international relations.

This is the cure Christians, now lets make it happen!

Mar 27, 2008 | Categories: GOD'S WORDS | 23 Comments »

THE DEATH OF SATAN

We have it from a very reliable source, that the Prince of Darkness, the Master of Evil, the Pain Dealer, The Soul Scrambler……The “Devil”…..Is dead!

What a glorious day!!!! God has finally WON!!!

Or has he?

The death of the Devil, albeit a fantastic victory for God and his followers, is only a temporary fix on a problem that will last for eternity. Unfortunately for God, he didn’t really plan ahead when he created “good and evil”. See you can’t have one without the other. There would be no such thing as “good” if there wasn’t evil around, to make “good”, look….Well, good.

You have to have perspective.

I could eat a bowl of double choco-minty-dream-swirl and enjoy it a lot. Another person could have the same ice cream, and find it repulsive. Is that person evil for not finding the ice cream tasty? Am i evil for for getting mad at the person, for not enjoying the ice cream like i did? Is the ice cream evil for not allowing both myself and the other person to enjoy it equally?

If only “good” existed, we would all agree, all the time. This might seem like a perfect system, but it’s not. See the person who didn’t enjoy the ice cream, might have been inspired after puking it up, to go make an ice cream that they would enjoy. They might have shared this new ice cream with friends and family, and based on the warm response, might have even opened up a little ice cream stand in their town. After a few months of the word spreading, that a new ice cream vendor in town has created an amazing new flavor of ice cream, the vendor may have decided to open a franchise. Maybe even market the new ice cream flavor worldwide. After a few years, the guy would amass great wealth from his ice cream company, and donate millions to God, through donations to Gods Church. All of this inspired by a bad experience with an ice cream flavor.

Now, is that evil? No, it’s not. So, we can never “not” have evil. We need evil to inspire us to keep fighting. But this is a battle we can never win (nor would we want to).

Back to the death of the Devil.

Although old Satan is gone for “good”, we Christians will not survive without him. We need to use the threat of him, to inspire Christians to always be “good”. The second you stop being good, you will allow Satan to take you over and use you as a weapon against other Christians.

We need a new Satan!!!

I implore all of you to pray on this matter right away. Let’s put together a great pitch and send it up to God. Let’s make this new Satan even more destructive and more powerful than the last one. Let’s give him new horrifying features, to scare children into the hands of God, so God can protect them from his creation.

Help us get God to create a new Satan for a new era!

He should be part robot and he should also be able to time travel. This will inspire us to figure out time travel ourselves, so we can go all the way back, 6,000 years ago, and wrangle up some dinosaurs. We’ll need these dinosaurs to help fight New Satan! We can train these dinosaurs and give them mechanical new limbs, which will be stronger then their regular bone infused limbs. We’ll train them to problem solve, to strategize new ways of fighting New Satan. This new Devil will bring us Christians even closer together. Maybe we’ll abandon our sects, our denominations, that tear us apart for no reason. We’ll form one united Church, who’s sole objective is to train future dinosaurs to battle New Robot Satan of the Future!!!!

Now that’s a bowl of ice cream we can all enjoy!!!…..Tim

Aug 18, 2007 | Categories: GOD'S WORDS | 20 Comments »

GET MARRIED OR GET OUT!

We recently had a meeting with top members of our Christian Marriage Council Board in regards to one of our aging unmarried female church members. She is in danger of never being married and we want to help her.

Annessa, that’s what we’ll call her to hide her from any embarrassment, is turning 30 in a few months and unfortunately for her, that’s the cut off age for marriage. Usually women that don’t get married by then become, “Logan Runned” and released from our church. From that moment on, she is truly alone in the world and must fend for herself. The best she can do is find a good Christian man from another church, marry him and then hopefully be allowed to join his church.

We don’t know why Annessa hasn’t been married out yet. Some Christian Officials suggested that her horse back riding had destroyed her “sanctity wall” and that no real Christian man wanted to be involved with a women that had been “broken in by saddle” and this as far as I am concerned, is a very reasonable concern.

We have suggested that she undergo surgery to replace her virgin wall, but she refused and said she would rather be banished from our church. This alone is reason not to marry Annessa. Her dedication to God and church is weak and therefore revolting to any good Christian man. All we can do is pray very hard for her in the next few months, otherwise we will have to say good bye to Annessa, forever. God Bless….Trevor

UPDATE!!! Ansessa has been banished from Church!

In a startling move, the Council of High Ranking Christian Officers Union 381, from Glendale Ca, have removed Annessa from the Church. She was banished as of 12 noon Monday, August 13th 2007. Reasons for her banishment were not immediately available, although Trevor and myself specualte it was due to her defensive protests in response to the Church petitioning to have her “married out” by the end of this month. Sources close to annessa say they will no longer talk to her, due to her banishment from the Church. Once a member is banished, all of their Church family and friends, are forbidden to have future contacts.

This is what happens ladies, we are trying to warn you. Our resident Christian female expert, one Darcy Collins, will be adding to this blog tonight. She can give you women a perspective on this issue, that trevor and i are unable to. Please read her blog and GET MARRIED BEFORE 30!!!! God bless you all (except annessa)….tim

Aug 14, 2007 | Categories: GOD'S WORDS | 17 Comments »

REEL-IGION…

Tim here!

Something you might not know about me, is that i love to fish!

Jesus also loved to fish! That famous quote of his “give a man fish feed his family the right way, lead a man to the edge of lake and unto the wisdom of the water, for he will ensure the destiny of his people, through the winds of fire, until the seas give witness to the earth and the creature of the water, for he who shall control a thing, can be a thing”. Jesus 33 a.d.

I love that quote! It totally get’s me amped to hit the water and do battle with those slimy finned monsters!

Recently i took four of our inner city youth group members, all male, on a weekend fishing excursion into the heart of Dark Song Forest. Located on the Pilato Indian Reservation in northern California, the forest is home to many creatures, including, some say, the very controversial, “Big Foot” or “Sasquatchian Foot” as the native peoples call him.

We camped on the shore of the beautiful Snake Shadow lake. We were hoping to catch some fat silver back lake fish, that are rumored to grow twice the recorded size, only in Snake Shadow lake. All of the boys except Joshua the oldest, had never been fishing or camping, ever. What a treat for them to get to experience one of the most exciting outdoor sports, here on Gods planet earth.

On the first day, the boys and i split up. Joshua (the oldest) and I, set out on canoe into the middle of the deep dark waters of Snake Shadow Lake. We were determined to hook into a few silver backs maybe set a new undocumented record, who knows! The rest of the boys, Glen (age 10), Manuel (age nueve) and Phillip Micheal (age 7), were sent out on an adventure. I drew up a crude map of the lake using tissue paper and a piece of charcoal from the fire pit. I directed them to follow the shoreline of the lake, three miles north past the edge of the Dark Song Forest and into the territory of the Kiltok Indians, a rival tribe of the Pilato. The Kiltoks and the Pilatos had been sworn enemies for over four hundred years. The Kiltoks hated the Pilatos, so much so that during the battle of Little Long Horn in 1758 while the warriors of each tribe battled it out on the plains of Crows Otter Valley, three Kiltok warriors snuck into the Pilatos camp, and raped the women and children as they waited for the men to return. The Kiltoks vowed to never stop killing children (Pilato children) until the Pilato people gave over the land that Snake Shadow Lake is located on.

The Pilatos never gave into the threats of course, but there is still much hostility to this day between the two tribes.

I thought it would a lot of fun for the boys to fish in shallower waters in the Northern part of the lake, an area controlled by the Kiltoks. There the waters would be teeming with fish small enough and dumb enough, to be tricked by a few nervous inner city boys, who had no fishing skills.

To make a long story short Manuel died, Glen is in a coma and Phillip Micheal is still missing.

We at The Rapture Right are asking for your help in helping these boys and their families. A memorial service for Manuel will be held at our church on 7th st, in down town Glendale, Ca on the 16th of this month. Please come down and donate to his family. We’ll be having a raffle for a trip for 4, to sunny Norwalk Ca. All proceeds of the raffle will go to the “Glen Williams Open Eyes Foundation” to help find a cure for Glen’s coma. And if you’d like to join us in the search for young Phillip Micheal, please do. We have 3, 8 hour shifts available. You’ll need a valid drivers license and a flash light. Catering provided by “Ted’s of Beverly Hills Steak House”.

We desperately need your help during this horrific time. The tragedy is still fresh in my mind and Trevor’s mind. We need help getting back on track writing songs and putting on shows, to help spread the word of God and help save the lives of those who are suffering.

Thanks again and God bless all of you….Tim

Aug 10, 2007 | Categories: GOD'S WORDS | 7 Comments »

WINNERS & SINNERS!

Come down from the mountains and out from the caves, the Rapture Right is here to announce…………….

WE TOOK FIRST PLACE AT THIS YEARS CHRISTIAN NATIONALS!!

It’s a surprise, we trained for months and fasted for ten days prior to comp, but nonetheless it feels magical!
To know that we are recognized as the nations Greatest Christians, really fills us with joy. Because we know that we are going to inspire so many young Christians out there, who may be working hard to become the Greatest Christians, but are still falling short over and over again. Hopefully they can look up at us and become inspired to work even harder and to fast even longer, the power is in all of them (we have just tapped in and harnessed it).

But Rapture Right, aren’t you already the Worlds Greatest Christians? How does this National win change anything?

Great questions, here’s how the world league competition differs from the national league..

Durning the world league Comp, Christian challengers from across our great globe, come together to compete in 7 Christian “mini-battles” for title of Worlds Greatest Christians.

These “mini-battles” are made up of each representative nations most difficult Christian challenges. Since the World league only recognizes 7 nations as true Christian nations, there are only 7 “mini-battles”.

Our National League comp, brings together competitors from every state here in the U.S.
Each of those challengers, submits their states most difficult Christian challenge, and then each group must compete in each of those challenges. So whereas the World challenge is 7 “mini’battles”, the National League comp is 49 “mini-battles” (Vermont is not recognized as a state due to it’s extreme left leaning political views). 49 “mini-battles” are a lot more difficult than 7, so really the National Comp is a lot more challenging than the world comp.

We are just stoked we made it through each challenge and each “mini-battle”. As some of you may know, Trevor, a few years back, suffered a very serious affliction, some say the most serious mental disease affecting people today. He had “Food Addiction Temptation Trouble Yearning” or F.A.T.T.Y.

Trevors drug food of choice was Cinnabuns. He had been sober for over a year, but a few weeks before comp, he relapsed. They aren’t just selling Cinnabuns at the mall through their retail stores anymore, now you can get them just about anywhere. This made a day running errands, an unbearable ordeal for young Trevor.

Well, the Lord helped me and Pastor Rick sober him up once again. We gave him a back pack full of wetnaps, to help cleanse his skin of that gooey sticky sin, and we fasted ten days to clear out any Cinnabun residue still in Trevors body (i fasted with him so he wouldn’t feel alone, brothers ya know).

Everyone, please send your love to Trevor, he fought satan once again and then won our nations most prestigious award, the National Greatest Christian Cross of Braveryhood.

I’ll let Trevor set down some of his own thoughts now, he’s also going to list all 49 challenges and which state it comes from…

YEAH FOR THE RAPTURE RIGHT (again)!!!

Aug 10, 2007 | Categories: GOD'S WORDS | 3 Comments »

A FEW FLIPPER BABIES

I read a news report today in the news, and on a side note, never read the news, Trev and i try to stay away from it because it is negative and never talks about God. Anyway, i just happen to get a pop-up while cruising Christian singles websites (By the way Christian ladies, i’m looking for a mate and house companion, email me when you’re interested, cause you will be) and one of the pop-ups is for a news outlet. I don’t want to say which one, but this one Commits Blasphemous Sins in every one of thier news casts.

Sorry, i should just get to the point, i can’t stay focused, i think it’s because the Christian fair just came to our town and they have a new ride this year that i can’t wait to ride!! It’s called the “BLASTISM” and all i know is that theres a bunch of tubes, a roller coaster cart, water and salvation! YIPPEE for the FAIR!

Ok ok, the news report. So, it seems that china (asians without cool shoes) is polluting thier country so badly and so quickly, that they are actually losing 64 billion dollars a year, because of the negative effects of the pollution. Most of this pollution, comes from the factories that make all the cheap clothes and shoes and crap, that we buy up by the truck loads here in America.

Now, we at the Rapture Right don’t care too much about what happens to china, they can kill themselves off with cancer water and keep birthing deformed babies with webbed toes, who really cares? They don’t believe in my God, so let em burn!!

But, if they all start dying off or if thier lands become uninhabitable because of the extreme toxic environment, where are WE going to get our cheap disposable goods?

We are Americans and we are Christians!! We deserve to be able to throw away plastic bags by the millions (have you ever watched one caught in a wind swirl, it’s beautiful) and buy our underwear for a dollar (the closest i’ll let my privates get to an asians filthy hands). If it wasn’t for Walmart and Target and 90 percent of the retail stores in this country, selling me cheap plastic throw aways, where else would i get em? Mom and pop shops? Please, if there is one thing we know about mom and pop, it’s that they’re old, and old people are itching to see God and the last thing they care about is giving you decent service, when you pay them good money to detail your H3, and they forget to wax the roof rack, so you tell them “The roof rack is the first thing God see’s when he looks down at us, make it sparkle!!” and they say “that’s nonsense” and you say “well then so is a tip” and you drop them off, back at the old folks home purposefully parking on the wrong side of the building, so they have to wobble thier brittle bones an extra 100 yards before they can be spoon fed tonights special!! It’s cole slaw and meat loaf, in case you care (i don’t).

So, mom and pop shops aren’t an option, nothing is made in America anymore (check your shoes, i dare you) and these china men are killing themselves by polluting everything. What can we do?

Please everyone, pray on this right now, let us know what God tells you, let’s pool our answers together and try to solve this emergency…..rr

Aug 10, 2007 | Categories: GOD'S WORDS | 7 Comments »

Attacked by “Christians” (Thomas)

In the past when the Rapture Right has been attacked, for our hardcore Christian stance, we have been able to bring the light of the Lord to our attackers and open thier eyes. See, most who see our page and hear our praise songs, for the first time, are instantly hit with an overwhelming feeling of guilt. When they see how amazing our ministry is and discover that we live directly by the book “the bible”, they reflect on thier own lives, and just how far off Gods path they’ve strayed.

Maybe they listen to secular music or watch secular movies, maybe they like violent video games or maybe they joke (and dream) of killing people maybe even themselves, with sporks. Who knows how deep the waters of sin are, but what is clear, is that they are drowing in them.

Enter: The Rapture Right!!!

Perfect Christians in every way! Kind, warm, talented and modest. We want to help everyone! We want all eyes open, even if those eyes have been blinded by acid or loud noises or birth defects, we can still show them the Lords path and guide them into his arms.

The attackers claim so many things they can’t prove, it’s really a wonder that they even waste the time attacking. They say we are “fake” or “liars”. They claim to have information on us, but then when asked to reveal the information, they cannot and resort to attacking once again.

Fellow believers and followers of the Rapture Right Ministry…DO NOT BE FOOLED BY THIS EVIL!!!

The devil will stop at nothing in his pursuit to destroy our Church and our faith. He will wear masks and pretend to be Christian, all the while plotting against our love in hopes of hurting us and killing our God in our hearts, through his evil deeds and words.

We will always expose these attackers, to protect all of you from thier weapons and missles and guns of sin. We will deal with them and destroy them, for you, using the strength given to us by the Lord our savior and the power we have been entrusted with, by the high council of high ranking Christian officers.

You probably won’t even know that there was a threat, and that just means we are doing our jobs. Protecting and educating, that’s what the Rapture Right Mininstries is all about….God bless all of you and thank you sooooooo much for your kind words and ongoing support.

Together we can destroy the evil that lurks in the shadows and in the closets…..rr

Aug 10, 2007 | Categories: GOD'S WORDS | 6 Comments »

ANTI-PRAYERS

Many have asked us about “anti-prayers”, what they are, what they can do. We have responded to these people, but we felt we should explain to all of you, since you will be seeing us casting more and more of them, as the late summer months approach.

Trevor and i are able to cast anti-prayers, along with a few other high ranking Christian officers, the pope and of course president bush. An anti-prayer is a reverse prayer cast upon a pure evil, be it demon incarnate, devil spirit, pain bringer or death  angels. These “anti-prayers” get to God faster than a regular prayer, because they are sent in an emergency situation only.

God then will respond appropriately, by either killing the demon, sending it straight to hell, or reverse possessing the evil spirit and allowing it to stay on earth, to redeem itself for it’s sins.

Trev and i NEVER, and i repeat NEVER abuse our power of anti-prayer castibility. We are forced to cast them several times a day, and all castings are justified before the high ranking Christian panel of officers and each one is voted upon, through a bi-partisan vote off, with both sides having equal time to vote, until the time limit is up, and then one is chosen from both fields to represent the caster and also to explain in detail, to our Christian president, the nature of the cast request and the total number of demons to be cast out.

So, since you now know that we “possess” this power, you demons and evil death marchers, should think twice, if not a third time, before commenting your blackened vile upon these pages and in our sacred blog.

Good day…..rr
VISUAL EXAMPLES OF AN ANTI-PRAYER BEING CAST.

Aug 10, 2007 | Categories: GOD'S WORDS | 2 Comments »

RETARDATION IS A SIN!

We at the Rapture Right believe that retardation, mongoloidation, and cretinism is a CHOICE. Why do these people parade around pretending to be dim witted and moronic? Why would they choose such a lifestyle? I’ll tell you why. It’s because they have found the devil and the devil wishes for them to freeload off of hardworking non-lazy people like us.

The world needs to understand that these mongoloids are playing on our pity. They want us to think that that’s “how they are” and that they were “born that way”, but we at the Rapture Right see through their dim witted facade. And that’s why we believe in starting re-orientation normal thinker programs to turn these people back around to God.

Retardation is becoming a problem. Mongoloid pride festivals are springing up everywhere and frankly we are becoming sick and tired of societies acceptance of this horrible CHOICE in lifestyle. Drooling at the dinner table, laughing at something that’s no even there, and touching and punching their private parts for everyone to see. How dare they. Please, join us in our fight to stop retardation. Let’s show them that there are better choices in life. God Bless….rr

Aug 10, 2007 | Categories: GOD'S WORDS | 3 Comments »