A Prescription for Damnation
Let’s get one thing straight right off the bat.
To take medication of any kind, is to have no trust in God and to question his ultimate plan.
We have a young youth group member, Tommy P. (cause there are two Toms in our class) and he has type 2 diabetes. He’s had it for about three years and got it because he and his family, although good Christians, eat very badly and are overweight. Gluttony as we all know is one of the 7 deadly sins and if I can say so, it’s the most disgusting one of all.
Who wants to see big fat, obese monsters, stuffing their faces and lumbering around on display for all of us normal fit people to be sickened by? I for one do not and I know my brother Trevor does not like fat people either.
God said “I give unto you thy body as your own, for ye shall do unto it no harm and for it shall be of firmness and svelteness and it shall literally embody your soul within it”. Nezariah chapter 9 verse 11
What God is saying is that you should not be a giant fat monster and if you do become a bloated blob because you can’t stop shoving sugar and salt into your huge sweaty mouth, then God will make you pay.
Type 2 diabetes is punishment for eating too many sweets and this is exactly what we told Tommy P. at today’s youth group class. We also told him that if he wants to get better and also prevent burning in Hell for eternity, then he should stop taking his type 2 diabetes medication right now! God will see that Tommy has redeemed himself and allowed God’s plan to go forward, and God will show mercy on Tommy by either curing him or bringing him home.
Here’s the truth, nowhere in the Bible does it say take medication. In fact it says quite the opposite. Jesus was able to heal people, not using anti-coagulants or radiation. No, Jesus used his healing hands. He laid his hands upon the blind and sick and through him God granted these people continued life living. A gift unto us and one that we’ve thrown back in the face of our creator by sucking up medications anytime one of us gets a tumor.
We want to put a stop to ALL medication use. If you are Christian you must obey what the Bible says. God has granted all of us “healing hand” abilities. Why do you think massage parlors are so popular among the devoutly religious? Most Christians know that a good massage or warm touch can heal everything from herpes to hay-fever. And it’s sad that this practice is frowned upon nowadays, when Jesus himself was the first masseuse messiah. And it’s even sadder that we are forced to sneak around and lie, just so we can get these healing massages without being mentally stoned to death by our spouses, friends and the local community.
Think about it, if you have an inflamed prostate, wouldn’t a deep, penetrating prostate massage feel better and be more Christian than taking meds? If you’re a lady and you find a lump in your breast, shouldn’t you find someone to put a warm, firm squeeze on the affected area, rather than under go a satanic cancer screening?
If God wants you to come home to him and you trust God with all of your heart, then why are you sidetracking his plans? Obviously you don’t believe that God can heal you and if you don’t believe that, then you don’t believe in God.
This is why Tommy P. is on the right track to cleansing his body of these evil medications and to opening his heart to the fate God has given him. Pretty soon Tommy will be healthy and fit, running around singing “I ate and ate and changed my fate, but God forgives cause God is great!”.
Now that’s a catchy tune I wouldn’t mind getting sick from!
6 Responses to “A Prescription for Damnation”
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I actually think that this would fit you under the bill of clinically insane. If there is a god, it wants people to live long, happy lives, not die of treatable and curable ailments.
I’m not joking btw, if you were admitted to a hospital and refused medication on these grounds, the doctors could go to a judge and plead custody because of mental instability.
I am extremely amused by your fake religious site. I love making fun of the radical right as much as the next guy… but I have a sneaking suspicion that you may actually believe your swill.
Do you really believe that a massage can heal a viral infection? I ask becasue I may not have read the Bible 17 times in 24 hours (what point that serves is beyond me), but it seems to me that it is a seriously misleading statement. I understand the idea of faith and its ability to heal through the power of the Holy Spirit… but really?
“If you’re a lady and you find a lump in your breast, shouldn’t you find someone to put a warm, firm squeeze on the affected area, rather than under go a satanic cancer screening?”
REALLY?!?! Are you seriously advocating the avoidance of breast cancer screening to the point of calling it of Satan? Wow. I am glad that you will be judged for your deeds and the souls of those whom you have misled are on your hands.
TypeII diabetes is not even close to the same as cancer or infection… but I guess you would have to have had an education to know that since it’s clearly not in the Bible.
But clearly this is all a joke. Ha Ha.
I hope this website is a joke and that you didn’t really do this:
“Type 2 diabetes is punishment for eating too many sweets and this is exactly what we told Tommy P. at today’s youth group class. We also told him that if he wants to get better and also prevent burning in Hell for eternity, that he should stop taking his type 2 diabetes medication right now. God will see that Tommy has redeemed himself and allowed God’s plan to go forward, and God will show mercy on Tommy by either curing him or bringing him home.”
lest you be arrested and sued for practicing medicine without a license. I hope for Tommy’s sake that he did not listen to you and reported you to the police. If this is real, you are truly, criminally insane and should not be allowed to be around or talk to impressionable young children.
You guys that comment on here and actually believe these guys are AT ALL serious are what make this site so damn funny!!
You’re all utter and complete morons and I love it!!
You kids are great. Thank you so much for all of this. I will promote this site amongst all my friends and even some of my enemies.
I must point out a couple of simply hilarious passages from this excellent posting.
“God has granted all of us “healing hand” abilities. Why do you think massage parlors are so popular among the devoutly religious?”
“Think about it, if you have an inflamed prostate, wouldn’t a deep, penetrating prostate massage feel better and be more Christian than taking meds?”
Oh man, I think I peed my pants a little while reading this. I have always thought Ed Current was funny, but he lacks the energy that you all put into this.
Please keep up the great work.
doc
do you guys have a myspace page per chance? i would love to be your friend.