We recently had a meeting with top members of our Christian Marriage Council Board in regards to one of our aging unmarried female church members. She is in danger of never being married and we want to help her.
Annessa, that’s what we’ll call her to hide her from any embarrassment, is turning 30 in a few months and unfortunately for her, that’s the cut off age for marriage. Usually women that don’t get married by then become, “Logan Runned” and released from our church. From that moment on, she is truly alone in the world and must fend for herself. The best she can do is find a good Christian man from another church, marry him and then hopefully be allowed to join his church.
We don’t know why Annessa hasn’t been married out yet. Some Christian Officials suggested that her horse back riding had destroyed her “sanctity wall” and that no real Christian man wanted to be involved with a women that had been “broken in by saddle” and this as far as I am concerned, is a very reasonable concern.
We have suggested that she undergo surgery to replace her virgin wall, but she refused and said she would rather be banished from our church. This alone is reason not to marry Annessa. Her dedication to God and church is weak and therefore revolting to any good Christian man. All we can do is pray very hard for her in the next few months, otherwise we will have to say good bye to Annessa, forever. God Bless….Trevor
UPDATE!!! Ansessa has been banished from Church!
In a startling move, the Council of High Ranking Christian Officers Union 381, from Glendale Ca, have removed Annessa from the Church. She was banished as of 12 noon Monday, August 13th 2007. Reasons for her banishment were not immediately available, although Trevor and myself specualte it was due to her defensive protests in response to the Church petitioning to have her “married out” by the end of this month. Sources close to annessa say they will no longer talk to her, due to her banishment from the Church. Once a member is banished, all of their Church family and friends, are forbidden to have future contacts.
This is what happens ladies, we are trying to warn you. Our resident Christian female expert, one Darcy Collins, will be adding to this blog tonight. She can give you women a perspective on this issue, that trevor and i are unable to. Please read her blog and GET MARRIED BEFORE 30!!!! God bless you all (except annessa)….tim
Praise be upon Him who has allowed you to procure this bastion of Christian freedom on these dastardly demon-infested internets! Amen!
On topic: Woe be to the vicious hellbeast of a woman who has failed to achieve marriage to a devout man before her 30th birthday. As a Christian, my heart goes out to her. She will be in my prayers as I beg Jesus to forgive her, but I don’t have high hopes. Next to blasphemy of the Holy Spirit, this has got to be the most heinous perversion of God’s Will that I’ve ever heard of.
Congratulations on dispelling such strange filth from your wonderful church. However, I hope you are keeping track of these spinsters with some sort of tracking device. It’s obvious that there is something wrong with these people — Satan definitely has a hold on them — and it could be dangerous to let them wander God’s land unmonitored. I trust you will take my suggestion.
God Bless,
Sarah
what the heck? where in the bible does it say that a woman has to be married by her 30th birthday? and if you dont you get thrown out what kind of bs is that?!?! a church should be love not hate a church should stick strong with their members forgive like jesus did to all of our sin so why would you show such hatetred to a member of a church instead of love? that doesnt sound like christianity at all jesus forgave her of her sin if she had pre marital sex jesus wiped it away like it never happend what church do you all go to?
no matter how terrible people act, we don’t have a right to judge them. We are just to express our minds, and don’t have to pay attention what other people look like, what’s their real face. It doesn’t matter for me, if someone will say anything about me, I know what I really deserve, and what kind of person I really am.
Annessa was probably possessed by the devil. thank god you banished her and she’ll probably never create little deamon spawns.
You guys sound worse than the Branch Davidians. I don’t blame Annette for choosing to be banished from your brainwashed, judgemental congregation. This is absolutely preposterous. What happened to Christians accepting everyone for who they are?
Let her go, FREE AT LAST wil be her joyous cry.
UPDATE: Two months ago, Annessa joined me in lesbian matrimony. We just received the wondrous news that she has experienced immaculate conception and we are due to have the world’s first divine lesbian baby!!! Blessed be!
(If its a girl, we’re gonna name her Jesusina. If its a boy… we’re going to have to put him up for adoption– I don’t know how to raise a boy… …neither does Annessa. We asked single mothers with sons about it and they didn’t know either. And, of course, we’re against abortion. So… we’re going to have him adopted. But I Believe it will be a girl!)
Wow, this Reuben Michael guy seems to be the biggest dumbass of all.
Wow, you religious guys are really scary! If this is Christianity count me out!
Wasn’t Jesus friends with prostitutes and didn’t condoned them? I have never neard more hateful and distorted view of christianity than in your post… plus your baltant racism. The funny part is that you and your friend (or is it lover) in the video seemed very gay to me. You talk about love but you only love those who subscribe to your ideas and beliefs. Maybe you are just young and I sincerely hope when you grow up and look back you repent. Plus Sasha Cohen aka Borat IS Jewish, get you facts right it was meant to be a parody!!!!!HBO giving shows to everybody? Oh Please!!! What are you 12? And learn to pronounce before you get your message into the world… it takes away any trace of legitimacy reli… I could not figure out the rest of what you both said.
Since when is there an age limit for marriage? Love takes time and patience, and many women choose to not get married. Of course, you people probably can’t wait to get a slave - oops, I mean wife - to clean your toilet and make you a sandwich like good little bitches.
and when were you tools married (to each other)?
for those of you who dont know these are 2 neo nazi gay dudes who disagree with everyone with a different opinion, lifestyle, religion, or political views…
Is this a joke? Are you guys serious… come on now… you’re putting me on right?
My message to all of the Christian women who hang out with this group… get away…. very far away from these bronze age bastards! They are sexist, mysoginist pricks!
This is a cult… cult… cult!!
Although the “Tanya” post (no.
is obviously made up, there likely is a grain of truth to it; Annessa probably is a dike, and so deserved to be kicked out of the church (and of course she will burn in hell forever, see the link to the Westboro Baptist Church). That’s only fair, since sexual identity is a choice - who reading this cannot remember a time when he/she made the decision whether to be straight or not? Another possibility is that Annessa was fooling around with several men(my guess is S&M stuff) and didn’t want to stop that. If so, she should have married and continued her depraved life on the side. She could have then stayed in the church. Her choice.